Archive for Useless Tips

Aug
18

Not Even a Milk Mustache

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Tony and I had a little discussion yesterday.  And I needed to share the subject:

A mustache NEVER makes you look better.

All in all, Tony agreed.  Beard and mustache?  OK. Goatee?  That’s just fine.  But just a mustache?  Please, please, don’t do it.  Tony said that Burt Reynolds was an exception.  I disagree.  I mean, his mustache is iconic.  It’s part of his persona.  It’s his symbol.  If you had a t-shirt with just a mustache on it, you might think of Burt Reynolds.  But that doesn’t mean he looks BETTER with a mustache.

So, I’ve decided to lay out some rules about mustaches.  The only reasons you should have a mustache without having a goatee, beard, or that funky mohawk thing on your chin:

  • You are an annoying French waiter
  • It’s Halloween
  • You work for a circus or a carnival
  • You are a seventies porn star
  • You are in a play or movie, or you have a job in a theme park where it is required as part of your costume

So guys, if you ever think “Maybe I should grow a mustache,” Don’t.  Just don’t.  You won’t look better.  Really.  Instead, think “Maybe I should grow a goatee.”  Or something along those lines.

This has been a public service announcement.  Now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

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Dec
05

Old Men in Hats

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Today we had the first little round of REAL snow flurries around here.  The kids were excited, and chased them around trying to catch them on their tongues.

Me?

I knew I had to drive to the North Side, while the Pitt game was happening (crappy loss) in this ‘first snow.’ I was pleasantly surprised, though.  It wasn’t too bad driving.  Usually those first flakes just freak people out.  Seems that us Pittsburghers don’t really get used to driving in the snow until maybe February.  I’m guessing that all the bad drivers were going to the mall.  I’ve come to this conclusion after driving on Black Friday.

Maybe it was due to lack of sleep, or the sheer excitement of ‘getting the deal.’  But there were many drivers (I hate to say it, but many WOMEN drivers) who either forgot how to drive or never learned.  There wasn’t a mass amount of traffic.  But still, there were problems merging onto the highway.  I merged in behind a white minivan who then continued to drive 45 miles per hour on the highway.

It’s a good thing my patience is one of my greatest traits.

My father, because he was a cop on the streets for so many years, has his own theories about drivers.  And the older I get, the more they turn out to be true.  These are the two that have stuck with me (although I’m sure there are more, right Dad?)

  1. All the bad drivers come out on Sunday.  It’s a fact.  When I used to work at the airport, I worked every Sunday.  I would start at all different times of the day, from 6:00 in the morning to 4:00 in the afternoon.  EVERY SUNDAY I would have problems with other drivers.  Usually they were going to slow, or were afraid to do things like merge.  Or they would stop for green lights.  Maybe they thought they were about to turn yellow.  Who knows.
  2. Never drive behind an old man in a hat.  They are terrible, slow drivers.  Over my past 23 years of driving I’ve put this one to the test.  I get behind old men in hats just to test the theory.  I’ve never gotten behind an old man in a hat who is a good driver.  Never.  I’m not sure if it has something to do with the hat or not.

You may have already known these things.  But we sometimes forget to tell our children, nieces and nephews who are new drivers.  So, consider this a public service message.  Tell all the newer drivers in your life to remember these two things.

And please, please….don’t become an old man in a hat.

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Jul
25

Not-So-Useless Computer Tip

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I just learned this little trick last year. If the text on a webpage is looking too small for your aging eyes, do this:

Hold the CTRL key down while scrolling up with the wheel on your mouse. Every click will make the text one size bigger. Wanna make it smaller? Do the same thing, except scroll down.

Go ahead. You know you want to try it.

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Jul
25

Bloggers Block

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Well, I don’t know if it’s blogger’s block, or if it’s because I have so much stuff to do today that my brain can’t even think about writing something meaningful, funny, or original. (OK, so maybe most of my blog posts aren’t meaningful, funny or original. Whatever.)

So, today’s ‘Useless Tip’ is brought to you by my bloggers block.

From my father…if you see just one ant, KILL IT. It is the leader, the canary in a coal mine, so to speak. He’s looking for the path to goodness. If he dies, no other ant will follow him.

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Dec
02

Useless Tip #2

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OK, here’s a quick useless tip. My kids hate the crust of the bread (surprise, surprise). Seeing that the only sandwiches they will eat are peanut butter sandwiches, this works out well. As I was making a peanut butter sandwich, the light bulb went off in my head. I use the big honkin’ jar of peanut butter. The lid fits inside the crust perfectly. Make the sandwich, put the lid in the middle, press down and scoot it around a little bit, and you have a perfect of a peanut butter sandwich. It’s like magic. Really.

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